You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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