You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
