My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
