They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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