i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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