so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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