Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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