Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
