plz talk dirty to me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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