Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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