Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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