got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
