is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
