Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
