what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
