Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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