my soul wont recognize me after tonight
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
