omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
