Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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