listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
