My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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