I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
