it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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