Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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