perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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