we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
