It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
