Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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