i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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