nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
