Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
