in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
