i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
