He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
