Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
did i walk over a car last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
