I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
