Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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