My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
