pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
