So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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