Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
