That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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