You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
