I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
