I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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