Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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