Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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