Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
