The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
