Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
